DonnaWorld

A DonnaWorld Movie Review
It's illegal to put this many hot girls in a movie with 'ugly' in the title

Coyote Ugly

This movie tells the story of a New Jersey homicide detective, played by John Goodman. He's on the trail of a serial killer known as Coyote Ugly (because a coyote femur engraved with the word UGLY is left on the chest of each victim.) For the first half of the movie, John arrives at the murder scenes, looks directly at the camera, holds up the coyote femur, and states "There is always something ugly when murder is involved."

After about 10 of these scenes, John goes to the New Jersey Natural History Museum. He asks the curator if any coyote femurs have been missing lately. The curator, played by Anthony Hopkins, replies by beating John nearly to death with a large coyote femur. After Anthony leaves him for dead, John uses the last of his strength to radio for backup. When the police arrive, they arrest the curator and John is sent to intensive care.

Soon after this, John's daughter, played by Piper Perabo moves to New York City to become a stock broker. In order to make some extra money, she gets a job at a bar. Soon she becomes a successful and popular bartender, by sleeping with the customers.

The Coyote Ugly murders are beginning again, this time in Piper's apartment building. John, still in intensive care, is shocked to learn that he arrested the wrong man. Angelina Jolie is sent to talk to Anthony to find out what he knows about the Coyote Ugly murders. He responds to all of her questions by staring into the camera, holding up a coyote femur, and saying "There's nothing ugly about murder."

Eventually Angelina gives up and heads to New York City to begin her own investigation. She uses a small headset to keep in contact with John as he lies in bed sipping champagne and being fanned by comely vixens. Angelina checks out the murder victims in Piper's apartment building. Soon she falls in love with Piper, which becomes awkward when they are making out and realize Angelina is still wearing the headset she uses to talk to John. As they become closer, Angelina begins to realize that Piper has skeletons in the closet. Coyote skeletons, to be exact. Each one missing its femurs.

While Angelina is inspecting the skeletons, she is startled by Piper entering the room. Angelina begins running, and finds herself in the dark basement under the bar. She finds the light switch and flips it on. All around her are the victims of "Coyote Ugly," causing her to scream for several minutes straight.

The scream is "cut short" when Piper appears and slits Angelina's throat with a machete. She lets out a maniacal laugh. After several minutes of laughing, the laugh is "shot down" by a bullet from John's gun. John has somehow appeared in the basement, still strapped to his hospital bed. He reaches under the mattress and pulls out a coyote femur. Looking into the camera, he says "I told you there was nothing ugly about murder." Then he reaches up and pulls off his John Goodman mask, revealing that he is Anthony Hopkins. He tosses the femur onto the corpses of Piper and Angelina, then goes upstairs to the bar. He asks for some water, at which point the girls who work there all jump on the bar and start dancing. Say what you will about the movie, but it definitely had plenty of plot twists and a surprise ending. I give Coyote Ugly four Donnas (out of a possible four).

Donna A.